Have some ice cheese?
“What’s that?” I asked.
Frozen cheese dessert.
“Like cheese cake?”
No. Ice cheese. Not cake.
“Ok, I’ll have one to go.”
To go?
“Yeah, to take home.”
Oh, kay. One ice cheese takeaway.
…
One of the best mascarpone cheese cakes I’ve ever had, frozen.
1. Don’t hide your moneybelt in your laundry bag. If you’re forgetful like me, you might give it to the laundromat and get stuck in Thailand for 3 weeks while you’re sorting out a new passport. If you’re not forgetful like me, don’t do it anyways – that’s just a bad idea.
2. Slow the f#$k down! I can thank Savic for this priceless advice! If someone is rushing you or overly eager to “help” with something, they’re probably trying to rip you off. I had enough sense to ask an eager saleslady what the difference was between her bus ticket and the chilled out salesperson’s beside her. She said, “same price”. So I pondered for a few seconds, looked around and noticed there were different types of buses outside. I asked “same bus?” I avoided the crowded little minivan and instead had an air-conditioned, massaging-seat VIP double-decker coach. When I got off the comfy bus at 5am I had to chase a taxi driver through a crowded terminal in Bangkok because he picked up my bag and ushered me to follow him. He kept asking “where you going?” and I kept saying “Stop, I don’t need a taxi”, to which he replied “where you going?” and kept walking. He was certain wherever I was going he would take me. After he put my bag in the trunk of the taxi I asked how much to the Canadian Embassy? “400 Baht.” I took my bag out of the trunk and walked back where I came from, then sat for 5 minutes and read my map. I then took the clean, air-conditioned subway to my destination for 40 Baht.
3. If you know a ladyboy is a ladyboy, pretend you don’t know. I got my ass kicked by a ladyboy…
4. Happy hour exists because when it rains, it pours. Literally. Every time. When in Singapore, take cover in the closest bar and order a drink to pass the time. Rain time = happy hour.
5. If you need something soon, act like you need it ASAP. If you need something ASAP, make other plans.
At the top of an escalator was a scrawny 3 or 4-year-old boy whimpering as he nervously tried to put a foot on the moving steps. His mother was halfway down and getting further away, shouting to him in a foreign language. I walked over, picked the boy up under his arms, got on the escalator and carefully set him down beside me. He stood stiff as a statue and stared at his mother as we rode the escalator down, then I picked him up and placed him on solid ground. I was expecting to get whacked by the mother’s purse, but I got a better surprise – she joyously thanked me, a lot!
A bank machine just ate my card. I was so excited to find an HBSC Bank – my home bank! I entered my pin, typed an amount, hit enter, and the machine spit out a receipt, “Card Retained.” The ATM gave no reason, and the bank is closed. I have 27RM ($9) in my pocket to last me 14 hours til the bank reopens.
Yesterday the police stopped me as I was walking down the street. I must have looked suspicious with my green skirt, pink shirt and frizzy hair. An officer asked me to “stand over there” as two others approached me…Then he held up a cell phone and told me to “smile!”
“CAN I MARRY YOU? WHERE YOU FROM…” a man shouted to me as he drove by on his scooter. Half a minute later he drove back the other direction, “WHERE ARE YOU FROM?” I said “NO”. He sadly shook his head and sped off.
I went to the camera museum and the owner gave me a personal guided tour! How kind! As he was explaining the famous photographs on the wall, a single spotlight went out above our heads. He said “huh, that happens every time I show this photo. It’s the first ever known photo of a ghost. It usually turns on again if we walk away.” It did.
Let the random adventures continue!
Way to leave Thailand with a bang! As I was running away from the angry ladyboy at the bar I gouged my toe on a stone step and left a trail of blood to my hotel room. Luckily her vampire senses weren’t up to snuff and I survived the night.
It was my last night in Thailand. I was supposed to leave earlier that day but I missed the boat. Literally. My taxi boat from Railay Beach to Ao Namao left on time, and I was five minutes late. The ladyboy at the travel agency helped me reschedule for the next day, then we had a lovely lunch together!
The ladyboy saw me at the bar that night and waved, so I gave her a friendly wave back and mentioned to my new friend “that’s Jazzy, the ladyboy I had lunch with today! And that’s Amy, her ladyboy friend. How funny that we have the same name?!” There happened to be a busload of Canadians in the bar and one overheard me. She asked “are those two ladyboys?!.. I knew it!” Ten minutes later Jazzy was escorting me to the washroom. She was angry. “Why you talk shit about me?!” …I didn’t understand so she explained, “You tell everyone we ladyboy!” I profusely apologized, realizing that the news had spread and the busload of Canadians were getting a kick out of it. Amy asked me “are you Canadian?” I didn’t answer and continued to calmly apologize, adding that I think they’re beautiful. The buttering up didn’t distract her and she kept asking until Jazzy answered for me, “yeah, she Canadian.” A local guy pulled me away just as Amy kicked me in the butt, Muay Thai-style. A couple guys in the bar joined in and held them off, but the ladyboys followed me across the bar and promised to fight me outside. The local stayed with me to wait out the situation, but the ladyboys paced the bar like lions waiting to prance. I was getting nervous. We tried to leave but they stood outside, ready to fight. We waded back inside, through the crowds and out a back door. I ran for my hotel.
A million thanks to Julien and Vivien for being my guardian angels. I met this sweet duo from France at one of the most delicious restaurants in Thailand – Cozy Corner in a tiny town called Trat. Almost two months later on the other side of the country we found ourselves on the same beach, at the same hotel, and by total coincidence, in adjacent rooms! We went to the bar together that evening, then Julien and Vivien took me under their wing. They mended my wound and guarded me through the night. Merci beaucoup!